Ask Dr. Don
Issue date: 4/23/09 Section: Opinion
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Dear Dr. Don:
I am 21 years old, and for the past three-years, I have been in a healthy and loving relationship with an amazing guy. But, for the past month or so, I have had the urge to be alone. My boyfriend has done nothing wrong. I love him, but I still feel like being away from him. This feeling is not about wanting to date other people—it is about me wanting to be by myself, living by myself, taking care of myself… You might say, “Well just break-up with him and be by yourself!” But I cannot hurt him because he has done nothing wrong. I have never felt this longing to be alone before, and I don’t understand it. Am I just being selfish? What should I do?
Signed,
Wanting to be Alone
Dear Wanting to be Alone:
Your letter is about the most popular social conflict us humans face over our lifetimes: Either make a decision that makes “me” happy, but someone else unhappy or make a decision that makes someone else happy, but “me” unhappy. Welcome to having a conscience. There is no hard science on which is the “right” decision, but I can say this—you are not a sociopath. J Sociopaths have no consciences and therefore never have this conflict.
If there is no science on finding the right decision, then where are we going to find the right decision? The right decision will be based on the situation. It is not going to be based on whether or not you are “being selfish.” Being selfish gets a bad rap. There is nothing wrong with being selfish. In fact, psychologically healthy people are usually selfish: they have strong self-concepts and a lot of control over their lives. Being selfish allows us to help others. One of the most altruistic people I know was Mother Teresa, and Mother Teresa was quite selfish. She did what she wanted to do. And what she wanted to do was set-up a mission in one of the poorest places on Earth—Calcutta—which was in direct opposition of what the church wanted her to do.
Let’s look at your situation for the answer. I see two important things that define your situation: 1) Your boyfriend being “amazing” and you not wanting to “hurt him,” and 2) You being 21 years old.
I believe your boyfriend is amazing and you don’t want to hurt him by breaking up with him. But aren’t you hurting him by not being honest with him about your feelings?
Being 21 years old is all about finding out who you are. And, the best way anyone can find out who they are is by being alone. Intimate relationships—no matter how good or bad they are—get in the way of us finding our true selves. Now don’t get me wrong, intimate relationships are some of the most important things we’ll experience at bringing us love, joy, and happiness. But when we are in these relationships, we define ourselves relative to the relationship. This definition of self is fine if we already know who we are—but it can be catastrophic if we don’t truly know who we are.
You have an amazing boyfriend—part of him being amazing I’m sure is being understanding. Your boyfriend will understand when you tell him how you are feeling. This isn’t about “breaking up” or “being selfish” or “wanting to date others”—this is about you finding yourself. This is about you defining yourself—relative to you. Give yourself some time to be you.
Signed,
DD.
Got a question? Then, email Dr. Don at dlucas@mail.accd.edu. Want "more" Dr. Don? Then read his first book, "Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure, and Contentment" available June 8th at amazon.com, hmpublishing.com, and the Northwest Vista College Bookstore.
Viewing Comments 1 - 2 of 2
Not Selfish Enough
posted 4/23/09 @ 9:21 AM CST
Hey Wanting to be Alone,
When I was 20-something and just graduated from college I wanted to take my 1973 VW Campervan and go knock around Mexico for a year. (Continued…)
Velma McClelland
posted 4/23/09 @ 9:31 PM CST
This was a difficult question to answer. I feel that growing up is only part of the problem, but not knowing oneself is the other.
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